Confession No. 001

Confession No. 001: Girls who read makes me nervous.

I dont't know why and I don't know how. I have yet to fathom the mechanism behind it or the biological chemical reaction inside my body to really understand why every single time I see a girl who's reading a book, minding her own business, totally isolated from the world....my knees become weak and I got mesmerized. Then I got nervous.

A Poem for Nadhila.

She casually tapped my back and as I turned my head away from the monitor and looked at her, she shoved a book right in my hands. It was a blue purple scrap book. She smiled dryly. Her face showed a mixture of indifference and trepidation. And also a tiny hint of perturbation. Her eyes were watery and red. She’s been crying. I want you to have this, she said. Nervousness resonated in her voice, as if she was about to cry.

I could feel the eyes of my colleagues lurking, trying to figure out what was happening. Their curiosity however is the least of my concern right now.

I took the book away from her hands and before I could say anything, she walked away.

What an intriguing exit.

I opened the book and there was a note. I am leaving for Japan. I want you to have this. Her voice echoed in my head as I read those sentences. I will never get over these two lines.

As I turned to more pages, I came to realize that the scrap book was about her life. It was as if it was created and maintained ever since long ago for one particular audience that she has not yet known.

First few pages were snapshots and writings about her when she was a baby. There was a man which I assumed to be her deceased father holding her closely and kissing her on the forehead. Another picture showed the mom and dad teaching her how to walk. They were both holding her hands as she tried to walk clumsily. The kind of love that was shown could not be described by words. She was a very cute baby indeed and she was loved. I couldn’t imagine how she must have felt when she lost both her parents in the car crash.

Enter kindergarten years. She looked so adorable wearing a checkered pink uniform while smiling cheekily. She had two mini ponytails on the sides and she was also missing a front tooth. Must be the time she told me she fell off the bike. So this is how she got the nickname Chipmunk. How endearing she was has left speechless with a warm smile.

She went to an all girl boarding school and she looked very active in extracurricular activities. There were pictures of her posing with her friends in a scouts uniform and Red Cross. In one picture she was standing on a podium holding a medal that she had just won first place. I found a picture of her being a mascot for her school. She looked so darn adorable in the bumble bee outfit. She looked so confident and happy that she actually enjoys belittling herself just for the sake of it. She has a great sense of humour at such a young age. She was also wearing braces and big dorky grandma glasses and the more I look at it, the more I find her charming.

There was a phase absent. I am approximating it to be about two to three years. There was nothing about her when she was ending her high school years. This must have been the time when she lost both her parents and the only family she had at once. That’s when she stopped smiling. She wasn’t ready to have lost her only family at that period. She lost two years of her adolescent life when she was put in rehabilitation for having a psychotic breakdown. She stopped talking and she stopped showing any emotional feelings. It was as if she completely got disconnected with the outside world and her feelings.

There were pictures of her in her college years trying different hairstyles, different clothes and designs. It was that teen awkward phase. But there were no pictures of her smiling at all. Walking through these pages was like going through a complete opposite transition of her life. She was once a happy and adorable kid and now she was just dreading life. I could actually feel her sadness and loneliness deep hidden and covered by her indifference. There was a half torn picture of her standing with someone at a carnival. I dare not ask myself more. But there was her handwriting under the picture that says, He said that he can’t get through me. It made me sad as I can’t get through myself either. That must have been a big letdown for her as there were a couple of deliberately emptied pages right after the torn picture. She must have felt so lonely and empty.

There was a torn pink coloured page excerpt from what I assumed to be her diary. Dated the same day I read her a passage from a book. And that poem I wrote for her. She wrote that she broke down and cried when she got home and didn’t understand why. It was the first time she ever cried ever since she lost her parents. She felt so confused and she was practically begging to her diary, crying out for help and company.

It made me wish that I was there.

I took a deep breath. Somehow this blue purple book made me feel closer to her. She wanted me to know everything about her. She wanted me to understand her and love her possibly. And that is something never needed to be asked. I still remember. The first time I saw her, it was like magic. It was as if an angel has descended upon me and I could almost hear the voices telling me that what I have been waiting for all my life is standing right in front of me. I lost my composure and all that I could feel was this overwhelmed feelings that even up till now I have yet to fathom. Never in my whole life had I felt so weak and vulnerable. My guard was fully down and I was opened. I was vividly transparent. It was as if I wanted to share everything with her. I wanted her to know who and what I really am. Everything started to make sense and everything was falling in its places. She made me felt all that with just a simple hello.

She is beautiful physically, emotionally and in every other way possible. Beauty is one thing, she is something else. I do really want to tell her this. To write her something so that she could understand the way I see her and hopefully she would be able to see me back the same way.

A love poem. A poem for Adhila.

There was no time. I immediately called my wheelman.

Three ring tones and no answer. Pick it up, friend. I have no time to waste. He finally picked up and asked what he can do for me. I told him to standby at the parking lot.

I have a plane to stop.

Blank spaces.

I turned on my computer and I opened up an unfinished report. I stared at my screen with empty thoughts.

I have been doing this for at least two hours now.

I have been doing this for the past three weeks.

This made me feel like I want to hide in the bathroom.

Again.

Hey, you.

Hey Aniza,

Maybe that’s not your real name, but I think that name really suits you. You look like you’re an Aniza. Or Adhila. But I think you would kill with the name Aniza; it shows some strength, femininity, a bit of uniqueness and a splash of spicy exoticness. I like you with that name.

It seems that fate brings us together again on this train platform. What’s the matter? You don’t trust in fate? Well, I am not a firm believer either but I also believe that I am seeing you again today for a reason that I have yet to unravel. That’s what I like to believe, baby girl.

It’s raining today, is that why you’re looking so gloomy? I wish I could come up with something funny to say to put a smile on your face but I don’t really know what I can do to cheer you up. Maybe a knock knock joke? Nah, that would be too childish. I don’t want to come off as a clown to impress you. I want your first impression of me to be a great guy with a good sense of humor. Although I would like you to know that I would be more than happy to be the king of clowns if that would make you smile. I’ll keep the jokes K.I.V for now.

I think that yellow scarf you are wearing is a good choice today. And so is that hat. Very chic. You look magnificently beautiful. It suits you well. Well, maybe if I were to say this straight up to you, you would think that I am weird, no? I can’t contest to that notion actually as I am a bit weird but hey, what’s the rush to be normal, right? Mesmerizing. Now, that was the word I was looking for. That’s a good word, Aniza. I think you look mesmerizing with that yellow wool scarf. And that chic hat. The closest thing to perfection.

Would you please smile? Maybe you would, if I sing you a song?

Did you have a good sleep last night? You look like you got a good rest but something is off. You seem troubled, girl.

You seem you like you have something to get out of your chest. Did your coworkers treat you okay? Problems at work? I know what you’re facing through, I really do. You have always been underestimated at work. People think that just because you have a pretty face, you are quite incompetent at producing quality at work. Beauty can be such a curse but never to me. Would you like to talk about it? I may not be a good replacement of Dr. Phil or Oprah but I can assure you that I am a good listener. Talk to me, yeah?

Hey Aniza, who is that guy? Why are you so anxious suddenly when he’s walking closer? Why is he looking at you with that scorned face? Didn’t his momma teach him how to wear his clothes properly? What’s with the popped collars? Waxed eyebrows? Glossy hair gel? I mean, come on! Really? With this level of immaturity, please tell me he’s your kid brother who’s having a mental break down. Tell me that he’s your clinically retarded brother and you’re taking care of him. I can accept that. As a matter of fact, I find it very endearing.

He didn’t even look at you when you cheerfully said hi to him. And why are you holding his arm like that? I don’t know what your story with him is but I think that was rude of him to treat you like that. And you’re going to let him talk to you like that? Why is he yelling at you in the first place? He better stop waving his hands. You’re standing too close to him and he could accidentally hurt you.

Baby, this is not good. No matter what you did or what happened between the two of you, it shouldn’t be tried in public. It’s humiliating for you. Can’t he even realize that? He’s fidgeting and getting angrier. He’s not stable now, girl. Stay away from him. I am afraid that you’ll get hurt. He doesn’t seem like he’s able to inflict much physical pain but I don’t want you to be emotionally abused. Just in case.

Oh no, he didn’t. He did not just do that. A slap? And he had the audacity to push you away?

No.

No way am I going to let him get away with this.

Aniza, forgive me but I can’t stand this. As I am walking towards him, all I could think about was… actually I don’t really think much. Thinking has never been one of my strongest points. I love and that’s what I do best. And I protect whom I love. That’s not how a man should treat a woman. Never in my whole life would I ever let it happen in front of my own face. It’s not about being chivalrous. It’s not about doing what’s right or wrong. It’s just that I don’t want this to happen to you and I am taking actions into my own hands.

Two more steps.

Hey buddy. I don’t know who you are but I think what you just did wasn’t right. You seem like an educated enough person to know that yet you deliberately slapped her while you’re trying to stroke your ego. And you pushed her away. Dumbass. My man, I dedicate this magnificent punch for you.

Kapow!!! Sekedush!!!

I can’t believe I actually did that. And I have to admit I was actually surprised that he didn’t fight back. Well, it’s not really easy to fight back when he’s lying on the floor holding his ugly face. My fist hurts from the impact but I kinda like the pain. The kind of pain that makes you feel alive, you know? My man, I think I broke your jaw. Dude, are you really crying?

Stay down, buddy. He seemed shocked when I told him to stay down.

Don’t look at me like that, Aniza. I am not usually a violent person. Only when I am provoked or when I am protecting someone that I care about. I am quite a nice person, really once you get to know me.

Aniza, here comes the security. Here, take my card. Give me a call, eh? I would like to take you out for a cup of coffee. What do you say? Yes? No? Maybe? I might won’t be able to return your calls instantly for a while but I can assure you that I will if you would leave me your number. I think I have to settle my beef with these two security guys first. Just for your information, I could take these guys down but I don’t have much beef with them to do that. They’re just doing their job anyway and I am far too focused on your reaction right now.

Maybe we can meet up, yeah? For a cup of coffee, or maybe lunch? Some place nice where we can talk and get to know one another. Like adults. I promise I’ll treat you good.

I will be waiting for your call. I really want to get to know you.

Talk to you later, babe.

A toast for Bobby.

Even up till today, I could still remember the conversation I had with Bobby as if it just took place a couple minutes ago. Bobby was an enigma. A mystery. I never really understood him until that day.

Not only Bobby was a brother, he was also a friend. He got my back as how I got his. We were invincible. No one dares to fuck with us. When you’re with Bobby, you’re a made man. Bobby thought me a lot of things. Things that you couldn’t learn from books or fancy college degrees. Things that shape your mind and differentiate you from mice and men. He thought me how to open my eyes wide and see the world clearly as how it should have been seen.

I would be honored to say that he was my mentor in life.

Bobby was my drug connection. He was the epitome of my other world that I am not proud of. Despite our differences, we never really talk about the things that really matter to us. Things that hurt us most. That’s the way of the cursed. You don’t talk about things; you keep them in a box and seal them away for good. And you never speak of it ever again.

That day I broke the code. I asked him why and I asked him what. We were both silenced.

He waited a couple of breaths. He took a deep puff and sighed. And he looked up straight. Far away and deep. And he said,

I came from a place where they won’t even look at you if you got nothing up your sleeves.

I was a nobody. Hell, I am still a nobody if I can’t prove shit. I am who I am and I got what I got. My hustle. My swag. My pride.

You are what you are. You can’t change the fact that you came from the projects. From a broken family. No matter how far you run from your story, you’re still the little bastard you daddy left for a quick fix. Fuck it all.

All that don’t matter, though. It’s all good, brother. You got that pain, the desperation that triggers motivation, that drive that all the money in the world can’t buy. That means that you have the right, hell the authority to blast. You gotta blast away. You gotta hustle. That is the only way for people like you and I can demand the respect that we deserve. And that is why we’re so god damn dangerous.

And just like that, I realized that we aren’t that different after all.

Rest in peace. My friend, my brother. In another life, we’ll share a couple of cold ones.

Things I learned the hard way.

Things I learned the hard way.

This is by no means a subtle way to impose that I’ve had much experience in life. Nor it is a subconscious attempt to try to be funny. It is what it is. It is just pure cold facts and things that I learned the hard way for the past years of my life.

1. Always be courteous. Never tells a woman she weighs less than she looks. You might think that you’re trying to calm her insecurity by insinuating that she’s not as heavy as the crazy voices in her head tell her. Just don’t, dude. Don’t. You’re going to thank me later.

2. It’s imperative that you never tell a woman she’s like her mother. Your intention, however noble, whether or not it was meant to be a compliment or constructive criticism will never be understood. They never take it how you wanted it to be. You get better result by jamming a spork in your left nut. I kid you not.

3. No matter what incident precedes, there is never an appropriate moment to ask a girl, “Did you just pee on me?” No matter what the situation is. Period.

4. Just because your good looking metro sexual straight buddy pissed at a bar when he’s drunk doesn’t make it okay for you to do the same. It might feel liberating and you get a good “that one time, I was shitfaced…” story but don’t be that asshole. But then again, maybe you should for one time thing kinda deal. We don’t have a million years anyway.

5. Never ever let another man lick your face. The morning after is much more awkward than waking up to your housemate and his girlfriend naked on your bedroom floor. Yeah, it was that bad.

6. Don’t be a smart ass. There’s nothing wrong with being polite. Speak in a dignified manner. Especially when you’re being interrogated by an FBI agent for being a suspected terrorist. It’s much easier to explain the credit card charges for those strip club visits. You sound a lot more convincing when you’re trying to explain that you’re taking Chemistry for the love of Quantum Mechanics instead of possible extremists recruit.

7. Pay your entertainment with cash. Refer to no.6 for possible consequences.

8. Appreciate and love your family. The same goes with your friends and acquaintances. Your time with them is pretty much limited. You don’t really know what’s going to happen tomorrow. Treat and respect others the way you wanted to be in return.

9. You’ll get your heart broken. That’s a fact. There’s really no way around it. Unless you’re okay living the rest of your life playing World of Warcraft or Atlantica Online. But it’s okay, really. Heartbreaks, no matter how painful are a crucial element in living. You cannot go through life without it.

10. Live moderately. Take what only yours and what you only need. Do not be enslaved to materialistic possessions. Don’t care much about money or compensation. They’re only means to help you live. Don’t be greedy. The easiest kind of men to manipulate is the ones who are greedy.

11. Always be tactful and diplomatic. Learn the timing of when to bow down, bow out and when to hold your head up high. There are many ways to do things, but pick the way that best bring you to the end result.

12. Be self sufficient. Try not to depend much on others.

13. Bad deeds no matter how small will come back and haunt you. And they bite hard.

14. Do not be afraid of changes and differences. We are all the same really. Learn to see the world with unclouded and unjudgemental(I’m not even sure if that’s a real word) eyes. The world is rapidly changing. So is humanity. Learn to adapt and be flexible.

15. Learn to love your every strength and your every flaw. They’re the things that make you unique.

16. There are really no blue prints in life. One day you might be on your route to do your PhD in Chemistry and then the next day you’ll wake up as a trader in a Japanese company. There’s only so much a man can do to construct his own destiny. I think that was from Socrates. He’s dead now but he was a wise man.

17. If you ever found someone who is crazy enough to love you, care for you and be with you in good times or bad, hold on to that one for as long as you can. Unless she was already married and had a baby. Then she’s probably just a plain insecure nutjob. But then again….it might still be worth it, I don’t know.

18. If you’re in the dating scene, don’t get too obsessed with the game. Don’t care too much about the numbers of people you date or how you have mad skills to lure and manipulate beautiful girls. How big of a player you can be etc etc etc. At the end of the day, you will feel completely empty. You are no different than those douchebags with popped collars and spiked hairs who try so hard to be beautiful to impress others. And yeah, don’t be those douchebags.

19. Learn to take your time. Life takes time. You don’t necessarily get what you want but be careful of what you wish for. Some things are just not meant to be yours. And learn to let go.

20. You are beautiful. As a person. Either you’re a man or a woman. Or maybe both. You really are. At times you might even wonder why people even bother to talk to you. The answer is always simple. For the same reason you always want to reach out to someone else. The pleasure of the company.